And even more so owning them like a boss
Let me be upfront: I hated myself for the longest time. Self-love seemed to be a light far ahead my longest tunnel, more so an unobtainable Nirvana. If self-loathing were my English, then self-love and respect were my Japanese. And the real reason exists to be the very same thing that prevents most people from this “nirvana”. Simply, most of us are lead to believe self-love is a state of achievement in which insecurities don’t exist. And every time I had felt super secure within myself only to fall and wanna die, I kept asking myself why?
It wasn’t until recently that I realized the meaning of self-love and how simple it is.
Self-love begins with the acceptance of everything that we hate about ourselves. That means every inch of perceived fat, all the bumps on our noses, the constant battle with acne, and anything else that one could truly loathe. Just as much as addicts have to face the facts of their problem, we too have to recognize the presence of our insecurities. And I promise you, to know them is to truly love them and ultimately the perfectly imperfect you that you are.
I was much different in my earlier twenties; my holes were much deeper and darker.
I didn’t have a grasp on this treasure of knowledge. I spent much of my time starving myself, drinking coffee to shit out my extra calories, and drinking away my feelings when I went out to clubs. All of those behaviors only followed at least one week of full self-love in which no man or any being could ever tear me apart. During that one week or two, I simply would avoid the evident crash in which all of my insecurities would come consuming me once again. For that reason, I fell much deeper into a whole.
And then it was one night in Tel Aviv at a rave where I was forced to face my insecurities head-on, but failed miserably.
This was at a rave and performance by the critically acclaimed Israeli DJ, Offer Nissim. At this type of party, almost everybody was on drugs and it was a mad fuckfest in the bathrooms; simultaneously no one wanted me nor payed me any attention. That led me to feel so ugly and unworthy and everything in between. I was absolutely triggered and fell back into the mindset of hating myself. Ironically, the days beforehand, I was mentally prepared and loving my body and face. It seemed to be that nothing could bring me to shambles and ruins, absolutely nothing at all. And of course, the devil was a liar and that had to be the last night I ever drank alcohol in three years.
I was in an arena surrounded by men with the most perfect looking bodies and masculinity that I always felt ashamed for lacking. The friend who I came with had blown me off to go down on a stranger in the bathroom. I was truly alone and lost within and out. It was in that moment that all my insecurities came stabbing me rather than simply just being. At that time, I drank three shots of whiskey and cut my arms with the tab of a soda can to punish myself for not being perfect.
I left the party feeling empty as broken dreams and ashamed of everything I was. And although I gave up drinking to this date, my insecurities still existed and I hated myself. Even looking back, I sometimes read the journal entries and the main theme was frustration and anger with myself. It felt exhausting trying to be all things self-love while being so far from that type of perceived paradise. Almost four years later, things have changed and its simply because of acceptance.
Ultimately, I learned the lessons of self-love and discovered my preferred approach to loving all things me.
And I learnt the hard way, but thank God I did. My emotions still fluctuate and feelings of shame exist within me to date. There are still nights where I look at my body in the mirror and wish that I could take a knife and cut my belly off. Even more so, I cry a lot about it and more. I haven’t had sex or dated in the longest time because of how inpatient I am for my insecurities. And this time, I’m content in knowing that insecurities exist but they aren’t everything about me. I’m not “Prince Insecure Savage”, but simply Prince. And the bonus is that I’ve discovered comedy and music to be a major coping tool when the feelings do become strong once again.
Now, how does this apply to you, reader?
Well, I dare you to do something that you might not have ever been dared to do before. Go outside without makeup and let your zits be exposed to the public. Swim at the beach without a shirt on and embrace your belly and everything alongside it. Recognize that nothing in life is quick nor easy and self-love is a process with no rush. Admit to yourself that you don’t love your body or any part of your look, it won’t hurt you I promise. Speak out loud about how you truly feel and allow for yourself to be vulnerable.
From my experience, that’s where the fun of the journey begins. It’s OKAY to be negative and honest, that’s how you grow. And only true people will be there to listen and embrace everything and anything you’re feeling. Of course, everyone has a different approach to this. Yet, this is what works for me and I pray that this could work for anyone else reading this and needing these words. You are worthy of self-love from within and you can get it when you accept the process more than the idea.