If I had a dollar for every time I stayed in bed with someone or continued dating them in spite of my discomfort, I’d have money to last me for weeks (until I blow it all per usual). There had been times where I could never say no to anyone. At one point, that cost me my health and mental stability, don’t ask why or how. Immediately, I began beating myself up for what I perceived as major weakness, until I realized there was an out. I had to truly come up with an emergency plan to get myself out of harsh dating and sexual situations by unconventional means. And you know what’s the magic trick that I found? SABOTAGE! Yup. Simple destruction at its finest.
For some like myself, there is less embarrassment when it comes to sabotage.
So without much further ado, I present to you an emergency guide for the “yes” daters. One to follow if you are a true people pleaser in the dating world.
#1. Tell Him That He Looks Like Your Therapist That You’re Dying to Bang
Yup. In most cases, crazy is a turnoff. If you truly have no shame about being mentally ill, then milk it like a farmer to a pair of utters. Widen your eyes a bit and smile with your teeth. At the same time, rub up his leg with your feet and give him a sexy little wink. If at any point mental illness could be useful, it would be this time around. You’ve got this. Bring a bit of crazy to the date and romance him with your insanity. Give him a taste of crazy like a mother forces her child to drink Vodka so to scare him from alcoholism.
#2. Flip-Flop Political Views And Rapidly Piss Him Off
Did he vote for Hillary Clinton? Then great, tell him that Donald Trump is the embodiment of everything that defines your Oedipus Complex. Even more so, tell him you’re dating him because he reminds you of your father. After, start talking about how aroused you get when Trump spurs racism, sexism, and all else politically incorrect. You find it super romantic and breathtaking. If the sides are flipped, call him a Nazi and a white supremacist. He’ll run as far from his date with the dirty, leftist liberal as he can. You could be the least political or most, but take one for the team if calling the date quits is harder than swallowing this presidency.
#3. Look Him Straight in the Eyes and Tell Him Your Mom is Already Excited to Meet Her Future Son-in-Law
The topic of conditions with commitment can be a romance killer at any point in the dating hemisphere. However, nothing screams insane like talking about meeting the parents and planning babies up front. Decorate the lie a bit more and spew names in honor of your dead cat, great-great grandma, and Mr. Hanky from South Park. Ain’t nothing cuter than a baby named Mittens or Sprinkles. Better yet, a child named after a legendary cartoon piece of poop.
BONUS TIP: If you have ovaries then tell him you are ovulating and to meet you in the bathroom ASAP. Talk about how you are destined to have his babies. Do it! Also, be sure to plan an escape out the window if the man is crazy enough to believe your fabrications.
#4. Start Talking About Your Nonexistent Nasty Fetishes
For this one, you truly are going to have to fake it till you break it. As he continues to talk about himself and nothing else, interrupt him immediately and ask him how he feels about water play. If you truly want to scare him away, start talking about cracking whips. Be a salesman for your dirty, sexual fantasies to the average Joe. Chains and studded paddles are your only condition if you are going to fornicate later on.
And obviously you’ll have to feel him out. If he’s freaky and romantic then it won’t work. And if that’s the case, go plain vanilla and talk about how premarital sex is against the Word of G-d. Go with the belief that romance is sin and every sexual thought is pure evil. Throw in that homosexuality can be cured with prayer as well as all tainted thoughts of deviance. Sell him white sugar and call it brown so you can dip quick without having to pay for your tacos.
#5. Last but Not Least, Eat Like a Child
When the dinner comes to the table, that is the time to truly start enjoying airplane and choo-choo train. Put on your bib and eat your rice and beans with your hands. You have to remind him that he’s dating a child. Better yet, make a mush out of it with lots of ketchup and Splenda. Utilize the tools around you to make a nasty masterpiece. After that, give him your spoon and say you’ll only open your mouth if the airplanes gonna come flying through. It’s super romantic and adorable if you do so. Once you’re finished making a mess, burp as loud as you can. Finally, take that opportunity to say you feel like you’re going to vomit and then dip as quick as you can.
Now, before I finish this I just want to make something clear. There are many people out there who can shamelessly burp and fart rather than say “I’m just not feeling it”. The deepest reason behind that is because of the generation that we live in and the ones before us. It’s only natural to be told you’re a disappointment once in your lifetime, but when it becomes a label then the problems begin. Life becomes about pleasing everyone else but yourself, so naturally saying “no” is a trigger. This goes beyond dating and exists within every aspect of life.
Although I’m far ahead past my trauma, many others are not. So, I hope this emergency “How to End a Date Without Saying No” guide will help everyone out there in need of it. If you can’t say no, then you know what to do 🙃